Alone

At home. I'm missing school too, not like anybody would notice. They're all either at UPM or Petrosains for some field trip. Me? I couldn't be bothered actually, going to school and not catching a glimpse of her makes all the less worthwhile.

Sometimes I wonder, was it the right thing to have told her so much? Maybe if I kept life a secret, away from her in a deep dark storage container, she would not be so upset? To the point that a little bird told me she doesn't talk much to her at home anymore. The torment in her, she tries to hide it but I can see it in her eyes, even though she won't look at me anymore. It makes me think about that faithful 29th of May, or even 4th of September. She could've been alone and free, or even better, she could be with another soul, happy that he is more caring than I, always there when she needs him. For I am not of the same world as she is..

Would life have been better for her had I not popped that question?

I guess..

I tried to put a smile on for today, after all, I was at another beings house. It was okay for awhile, but then she came. Everything went downhill after that. She didn't seem to want to converse with me today, I think maybe she was just shy. I pray it was just that actually, imagine if just didn't want to talk with me. But then again, she did shun me from walking her back, a short walk, but a walk nonetheless. It would've been nice to walk her back, even though the distance was not far, nor would the time have been long. I would've enjoyed the short moments in life with her, but they seem so far away from where I am.

Now I worry that she no longer feels for me the way she used to. Maybe its my fault.. It probably is.

I guess she's just not that into me anymore, if she ever was.. Oh well, time will tell.

Happy birthday Yazmeen.. and Harez

11th July, Yazmeen

12th July, Harez

You're both so old :D

Absence

There is a room over there. A room that's missing something. There is an absence in that room. The red paint has faded off the walls into a dull maroon, almost greyish in shade. What used to be warmth and joy is now just cold, the room is so cold it sends shivers down my spine. There is no furniture, nothing left of the past. As I stand in it, my mind empties as I lay to the floor and just stare at the damp ceiling.. An open window slams and opens against the wind. Perhaps that is how it got in?

Headaches

What am I to do, when in my heart emotions battle?

It will be a long hard battle, one that will rage my body to its very core.

I just hope that one emotion stays true, and prevails.

I'm tired when she talks. But then I'm tired when anyone talks now. I'm just tired I guess. Its a funny feeling, to feel 4 times your age. Sometimes I want to ignore her, just so I can get some rest, and forget about the world outside my own, ignored barren land. But when she looks at me, when she looks at me with her round, perfect eyes, filled with innocence and hope, I can do nothing but to accept her into my heart. She, who has done so much for me, I cannot forget her, and I never will.

What can I do to make her happy?

The Sands of Time

Alas, always changing relentlessly, moving here and there, never stopping once to rest. It is such the futility of ones efforts to control the sands. The Sands, one could say, is a sapient life form, capable of logical reasoning, and always using it to shift the balance of our lives. We cannot say our future, for our future is unknown, left only to the bending and willing of the Sands of Time..

Questions. The one thing that keeps our lives moving. Or rather, the one thing that keeps us alive. Questions. Provoking the minds of the young and bothering the minds of the elderly. Everyone will face the same battles, the same mountains, all that differentiates us is questions. To answer it this way, or that way, that is our own choice. And that will lead us to our fate. For the Sands of Time always contort us into a position of extreme discomfort, knowing what questions to pitch at us.

---

I am sitting on a fence, and old fence. Old and worn torn, swaying to the winds command. I believe this fence will break anytime, dragging me to the floor with it. The pain would be rather intense. I could jump. Jump off this cliff that the fence is precariously positioned on. But why would I jump? What would I be jumping onto? What would I be jumping for? Or. Who would I jump for?

I look down at my feet. They look funny, dangling in the air, rather small compared to whats down there below me. The sea. One large body of water, or 2 hydrogen atoms 1 oxygen atom, if we'd like to get scientific about it. The name of this sea escapes me. For this is no ordinary sea. It is a sea of emotions, whirling together seamlessly, almost as if working towards the same goal. I look out on the horizon. A sea of blue and green awaits, calm and happy. The ultimatum of life, desired by all, but never attainable. Untouchable, unattainable, irretrievable, it all spells the same thing; nothing. I look closer to me. Red. Brown. Anger. Greed. Pain. Suffering. Hardship. Most of what I see is red. I now fear the worst for me, as soon enough the fence will drop down, plunging me into the waters that I fear.

But I see a familiar face out there, playing along the blue and green. It is but a girl, happily walking the shoreline of a small island in the middle of the blue. She looks up at me, straight in the eyes, and smiles. A smile that fills the crevices of my heart with warmth and happiness. I believe this is called love. We share our moment for awhile before she walks into the forest, avoiding my gaze. Thus, my heart again is filled by nothing but a desire, a desire to be with her. To sit on the shoreline with her every evening, watching the sun go down as we contemplate life, and the wonder that is the link that we share because of love.

But what if I just turn around and jump off the other way? I look behind me. Darkness. Emptiness. The void. A cold shiver creeps up my neck, I know what I fear most awaits me in the void. Solitude. Once a coward of being alone, always a coward of being alone. I turn back and face the ocean. The sun beats on my skin, sending warmth and I wonder; is this courage? Or is this just an illusion, the sun tempting me to jump.. I gaze again at the blue and green. Its far away, almost hidden by the raging red.

I close my eyes, and pray the choice I make is the right one. Then I.

13th June

I guess it makes life better, doesn't it?

A walk in the park, a walk around KL, a movie, what the heck.

A girl, by the name of Safiyyah Mohd Farid, yes :)

I love you Safiyyah :)